Squanderer..Insanity..and A Message~

Dear Secret Blog..I would like to confess that I am currently in a quandary over squandering my time.  

Define Squander?
A verb..to spend or use extravagantly or wastefully, to scatter; often followed by away.

If I am not sleeping, I am probably thinking about or planning on going to sleep.  It is a whole different kind of addiction; yet carries with it all the exact same symptoms and side effects.  I cannot say I have been sober without acknowledging the poor use..abuse really..of my time.  Time is precious, and of value; but has recently become more of an escape to me than anything.  I rarely feel done sleeping, rested, fulfilled, satisfied vs. waking up feeling super tired and thinking about when can I possibly get to go to bed.  Seriously..Self..When did you start waking up thinking about going to sleep?  Thinking....January?  Before then?  Call LilOne..She'll be able to shed some light on it.  I know February was a fulfilling consecration month for me; so I know at least for that month I got things accomplished -which feels pretty good- but what about since then?  ....Not so much.

Here are the issues on the table to tinker with for the next several days:

((Taken directly from my notebook on thoughts and mentions tonight; re-ordered and numbered for organization and future reference purposes))

1. What gives you permission to do a thing?

2. Why do you keep giving in to "It"?..Especially when there's no true payoff..for example, taking a four hour nap and waking up wicked tired.

3. Get Real.  Be Honest.  This is not about sleep itself, the need for it or otherwise.

4. Consider Time Investment and Wastefulness.

*Get these now..Examine through Eteos Logos Vision*

5. True Conviction makes you look at "it" and question that thing's existence!

6. Ask Self..Do you have too much zeal, and passion for "it"?  If so, why?

7. Where then goes your zeal, love, passion, focus, search, and need for God?

8. Do you seek Him first before "it"?  If not, what's it going to take?  

9. When will you start prioritizing properly?

Finally, Ten, which I didn't plan on..

10. What is better than God?

Putting "it" before Him, is essentially telling -worse- showing Him that He is not good enough; in fact Not Enough for me, period! **sucking in breath-holding**

Now I know I took all these notes as folks were going along telling their brand of "it" and "its' effects" etc.. But that last line is just breath-taking because that is the LAST LAST NEVER EVER thing I want to do; yet doing just that (putting "it" first) is what I am doing!  

The scriptures go like this: "For we would not have you ignorant, brethren, of our tribulation, which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure above our strength, so that we were weary even of life." II Cor 1:8 But God delivered us! See, in despair we make some insane (and I use that word gently for myself and fellow crazies alike) choices; which all culminate into a resolve of either life or death, which is well within our power to choose..yes?  Indeed I say.

I will leave this issue with time and whatever "it" may be to the Word which let's us further know that we are not alone in such seemingly irrational behavior, decision-making, and follow-through.

Romans 7:15-20The Message (MSG)

14-16 I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.